Swordplayer by Nicholas Stillman

I'm sorry to say that Swordplayer didn't really do it for me. I could see it really appealing to a certain type of player, but that type of player is not me. It's a dungeon crawl, basically, and... I'm tempted to say that dungeon crawls are just not for me, but the truth is more just that I'm exceptionally picky about what I like in dungeon crawls.

It's not that I don't like combat, or that I don't like dungeon crawls, or that I don't like stats and numbers. I do. I can spend hours poring over game numbers. I make spreadsheets. I spent longer designing my party and my character progression for NWN2: Storm of Zehir than I actually spent playing the game!

But gamebooks are not the best platform for that. Let's just be honest: you don't have the assistance of a computerized system. The player has to read and comprehend and remember the ENTIRE ruleset. You're limited by keeping numbers small and dice used comprehensible, and in this day and age, no one wants to sit around calculating all their own results, not when we have computers so readily available.

So gamebooks have to bring something new to the table. It's good if a gamebook can provide a good game. It's very good. But there's simply limits to what can be achieved. With any game, it's important to understand the core gameplay in order to maximize player enjoyment. With a first person shooter, the core gameplay is shooting dudes in the face. Or maybe sometimes blowing them up. That's basically it, you jump around, you shoot and you don't get shot. It's straightforward--but if you start imposing other factors... say a fancy graphic for displaying whatever your character is holding, but that fancy graphic slows frame rate on some computers to delay the all-important shooting and dodging reaction time--that's going to diminish player enjoyment of the game, because it diminishes the players ability to engage in the core mechanic.

My point is this: The core mechanic of gamebooks is not hack and slash. No system of dice rolling for combat, no matter how good, is going to make hack and slash become the core mechanic of gamebooks.

The core mechanic of gamebooks is making choices that affect the outcome of a story. For this to work, you need two things: 1) A story. 2) Choices.

Like the holy grail of the first person shooter core mechanic--i.e. shooting dudes in the face--you don't want to do anything in a gamebook that interferes with that core mechanic of what a gamebook is and what players enjoy about it.

Swordplayer does have a story. It's a somewhat cheesy, overblown tale of a swordsman who wants to prove himself to be the best, and is willing to put himself in grave danger to do so--because he thinks he can. You have a character motivation, you have passion, you have high stakes. It's not "realistic" exactly, and it's certainly cliche, but it does present many of the aspects of a good story.

Sadly, it all seems to be just a device to get the protagonist into the dungeon. And once you're in the dungeon, the game devolves to a bunch of Which Door choices (not really choices) and a bunch of fights. The fights are innovative, certainly--I've already addressed under "Ravages of Fate" the potential that I think can be brought to the table when multiple sections are devoted to one fight. The problem is that the dynamism is overly simplistic. You're given one choice: Attack or Defend. If you choose the wrong one, your stats don't matter at all--you either both lose fitness or both don't take damage. But there's absolutely no clue or hint as to which is the correct choice and which isn't. It's effectively a a "Which Door" choice all over again. You might as well be rolling dice.

I eventually quit playing because of this mechanic. When what I do as a player doesn't have the slightest effect on the outcome of the game, there's no incentive for me to keep playing. In all the (admittedly short) time I spent playing this game, I don't think I encountered a single real choice. It was just "which direction do you go" (which admittedly is slightly more acceptable in an explicit dungeon crawl than under other circumstances, but still not ideal) and "do you attack or dodge." To which my answer, after seeing what attacking and dodge meant, was simply, "no."

The author clearly put a lot of thought into this, and it shows. There's a lot of potential in the mechanics. The writing is good, when it has a chance to show itself, and it's probably an excellent dungeon crawl. I just have very little patience these days for choices that aren't choices. If the combat system were revised to give the player actual choices, I would try again.

Aether by Paul Struth

Aether was hard for me to get into on the first pass, and I think it is because (like MANY of this year's gamebooks) I did not feel that I had an adequate sense of the setting before the story began. Okay, I was able to figure out that there's apparently these aetherial arts--but where are we? WHEN are we? Is this mideval, modern, some other world altogether?

Once I forced myself to swallow and keep reading, it actually turned into a very cool story. Eventually it became clear that it was set in the modern era. I was quite pleased by the twist that Morton Prentice is not some mysterious magical assassin, but just a clumsy kid playing with forces he doesn't understand, and in fact, you wouldn't have gotten killed if you hadn't gotten involved and gotten in the way, and you wouldn't have gotten involved at all if it weren't for the prophecy that he was going to kill you! Very nice self-fulfilling prophecy there :)

I think what I really appreciate about Aether is that at the end of the day, it's a story. It may not be completely realized (I'm looking at you, early setting descriptors) but it has characters, it has a plot. It has twists and surprises, and it's good. I like the ghost of the old witch, I like the effect of that creepy ass book. The ending, though sad for certain characters, even in the best ending, was satisfying; it felt as it should be.

One criticism I do have has to do with the logical flow. The game made heavy use of returning to certain numbered sections as central hub points, from which you could pursue a number of alternatives. While one can safely assume you shouldn't return to sections you've been to before, that was never explicitly stated, and it was totally viable--as far as the text itself guided you--to break logical continuity. In fact, in order to pursue one option and get one bit of information important for reaching the successful ending, you had to make some choices that came very close to backtracking. I'm looking at getting to Mr. Candlish after you have information from Morton's house. By then the game is urging you to move onward; in order to get back to Mr. Candlish, you have to go back to a prior hub point and select "Look for Morton Prentice" which doesn't make any sense because you've already found MP. You were in his house!

The continuity of those hub chapters could use some work, and the story badly needs one or two additional paragraphs inserted toward the beginning to "set" the setting. Other than that, it was a very well put together gamebook with strong characters and a strong story. I was pleased.

A Knight's Trial by Kieran Coghlan

I've seen Kieran Coghlan's work in each of the prior Windhammer competitions, and always been impressed by it. He has a stronger sense of character than most gamebook authors, and his works are more concerned with the internal workings of the human spirit than most.

Which is why I was so disappointed that A Knight's Trial opens with a sword blow to the neck. A combat decision, first thing? Really Kieran? Before you swing a sword at my character's neck, give me a reason to care whether he gets chopped. At this point in the story, I'd just as soon see him get beheaded and move on to the next character/story/gamebook.

To be fair, by the end, it absolutely does live up to my expectations, but I definitely found, from my own perspective at least, that it jumped far too quickly into the action, without setting up the characters and giving you a reason to care. Who are you? What's your background? Why is Lancelot your mentor? Why do you want to become a Knight? What significance does it have to you whether you win this trial or not? Basically: why should I care?

Without that fundamental question answered, I had to force myself to keep reading. It didn't catch my interest on its own merits until the hints started coming in that all might not be as it seemed--but that was a little way in. It would do well to hook the reader before that.

While I was, to a certain extent, happy with the reveal at the end, I still did not feel like any of the core questions had been answered. Who is this character? Who is, or was, his "tormentor?" What happened to put him in this state? Why does he care so much about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table that this world is the most appropriate metaphor for the character's trial?

These are the important questions. These are the interesting questions. This story has an incredible amount of potential. It's even standard for the old romance genre to be heavily laden with allegory. We could have seen a deep and interesting character traveling through a mindscape that looks like Camelot, with every person, every encounter, every villain or threat, explicitly allegorical, the entire thing a metaphor for this character's recovery. Instead, we have a fairly bland dungeon crawl with a "twist" at the end, like a stage magician ripping away the cloth at the end of his show and shouting, "ta-daaaa," without really explaining anything.

Often, important backstory questions can be left unanswered when they don't matter. But in this case, the questions about this character absolutely do matter. The answers, i.e. what happened to him, who he is, what his trauma is... those are the things which would make this story powerful.

At the end of the day, it's a brilliant concept, but I just have the feeling like the story ended up missing it's own point. It's not about making arbitrary decisions in a metaphorical dungeon (no, not even if you break the fourth wall to point out that they are arbitrary). It's about making metaphorical decisions of deep psychological significance to break out of a self-imposed prison of the mind.

I know Kieran's writing, and I know he has the potential to pull this off. He's done it before. I can only assume that the story just needed one more revision cycle to find it's center. If A Knight's Trial was done to the full potential, both of the premise and of the author, I think it could be one of his best. As it stands... it's just not there yet.

Call of Khalris by Stuart Lloyd (feedback)

Call of Khalris is an entry that received a lot of mixed reviews this year, but I really liked it. My perceptions were colored by the fact that Stuart himself told me before I read it that he felt it was a little bit uninspired. But in my opinion, the only way this story is uninspired is just that it's a fairly "typical" sort of premise. It can still be done well, and it is.

In this story (if you haven't read it yet) you're journeying deep into the desert to the abandoned city of Khalris, in search of treasure and glory. Or just because you feel the "call." I really liked that "call" from a descriptive point of view; it gives the sense that though this place is clearly dangerous, a mythos has built up around it in the minds of the people that consistently lures adventurers there. It's partly due to the promise of treasure and glory, and partly due to the danger, just because it's a nut that's remained uncracked for so long, but a mystique has grown up around this lost city that keeps drawing people to it. The Call of Khalris.

Not necessarily original, perhaps, but unique in it's interpretation of the old tropes, and has a certain appealing flair.

All things considered, this was a very solid gamebook that hearkened back to the earlier days of gamebooks, when you kicked in doors, killed monsters and looted the room, and nobody through twice about it. It's well constructed, polished, with good writing and good challenges.

I think there are things I excuse here because of the setting and premise that I wouldn't excuse otherwise. For example, I typically rail at what I call "Which Door" choices (or, as I'm starting to call them, just "blind choices" because the other term is a bit cumbersome). Stuart clearly gives a blind choice in forcing you to decide which quadrant of the city to explore. But this is one of those rare special cases where I think it's OK.

The reason for that is that we already have basics established: we have a setting, the city of Khalris, we have a character and motivation, to answer the "call," and to find glory and treasure. You already have done some basic scouting of the city to see what you can find. It makes perfect sense to me that at that point, you've taken all due diligence, and the next step is just that you have to decide which tomb to break into, and there's really no clues what's going to be in there or which is the "right" choice, if any.

Sometimes you have to make a choice without knowing what the consequences are. That's part of life, and that's perfectly fine for it to appear in gamebooks--when it's appropriate. This is a time when it's appropriate.

For contrast, see the frequent choices which way to go or which item to explore given in Day of Dissonance (sorry David!). A great example is when you come out that door and you have to choose whether to go right, toward the boy's room, or left, following the bloody footprints.

This is an interesting example, because you do have some information, but it still feels to me like a "Which Door" or "blind" choice--and the reason is that you don't know what you're looking for. You don't have a goal.

I assumed at that point in Day of Dissonance that my goal was to get out of the burning hospital. But not only does the character seem to quickly forget that this is his motivation, instead being inspired to poke his nose (and occasionally hands) into all sorts of grisly corners, but the very presence of the hospital as a burning threat quickly vanishes. Was it on fire at all? Do we actually need to escape? No indication that that's still the case after the first few paragraphs.

Anyway, while you do have the choice to go toward or away from the bloody footprints at that crossroads in Day of Dissonance, the decisions is almost wholly meaningless because neither path gives you any clue as to what will help you achieve your goals.

On the other hand, while in Stuart's choice in Call of Khalris, which tomb to explore, none of them give you any information over the others, but it doesn't feel like a disappointment, because I know what the character's goal is and I know that to achieve that goal, there's a certain amount of risk and uncertainty, and it's time to cast my die, take my chances, and see what I find.

There was also one moment in Call of Khalris that I found extremely effective, and that was when the character's hand start growing scales. I had been filling out the journal as I went along (as you saw yesterday, if you've been following) so I was feeling very in character and looking at the world through my character's eyes. When I started growing scales on my hand... for some reason that was so undermining to my basic sense of self--even though I was in no overt, immediate danger, that was a true moment of "horror" for me. That moment, and the moment toward the end of the Introduction to S. J. Bells' Evil Eye, when I'm ready to leap out of my chair to go find and punch in the face whoever stole my wife, were the two most personally powerful moments of this Windhammer competition, for my two cents. These were both times when I forgot I was reading a story, and instead I was really there. Kudos to you guys.

I did find that the ending was a little bit challenging and confusing. I was delighted by the re-appearance of the camel. So fucking creepy when you see that fucking camel there all of a sudden OMG just chewing it's cud as if everything is normal! But everything is not normal! Everything is not fine! Don't approach the camel for the love of god DON'T APPROACH IT! *shudder*

But later on there's random directional choices you have to make, and suddenly all these zombies for some reason. I don't know... I think the actual ending could have maybe been done better. I lost track of what I was doing and why, and this is the only time in the gamebook that I found some blind choices (in an annoying way) coming up.

At the end of the day I think this was a very solid gamebook. It was a fairly trope premise, but executed with a lot of craftsmanship and generally well done. Furthermore, though there were only hints of horror, those hints of horror were actually more effective to me than the blatant "in your face" horror of any of the overtly "horror genre" pieces, largely because it was subtle and understated. That just made it very effective. All that said, in a crowd as dynamic and vibrant as this year's, it didn't quite stand out as "a cut above." Instead, it was one of a number of excellent gamebooks.

Call of Khalris by Stuart Lloyd (Journals)

Instead of a normal review, for Call of Khalris I have something rather special planned ;) Please enjoy below the journal entries chronicling my journey into the Lost City of Khalris. (Tomorrow I'll post my actual feedback for Stuart's Call of Khalris)

Being an account of the travels of the esteemed scholar and adventurer Madrigal Venible. Found upon a tattered parchment by a later adventurer into the Lost City of Khalris, these chronicles contain valuable insight for any future comer who would dare the trials of Khalris for themselves.


Journal Entry #1
I do not know what will happen on this adventure. If I did, I would not be so uncertain, and excited. Or perhaps it is the high desert moon that makes my heart beat thus. I dream of fame, of glory... above all, of finding knowledge, the lost knowledge of the ancients of Khalris. I do not fear death... no, I fear only that which would make me lose myself. As long as I risk only death, I do not mind the risk. The call of Khalris is worth it.


Journal Entry #2
I have been at Khalris for a week, and the fates themselves seem to conspire against me. My camel vanished. I can find no sign of it, not even tracks in the sand. Without transportation back to Quis, I fear I may die in this place. But I am at peace, for I am pursuing a noble and worthy work.
The surface of this city is dead and lifeless. The tribal nomads I met on the way here say that none come to this city, but I know they lie, because all areas of the city that are easily accessible have been picked clean. I have drawn a map and marked the buildings I would like to explore further.
One thing more is certain: the dark magics of this place have not been entirely invented. The dead here do not sleep deeply. I delved into a tomb earlier today and was able to pry open a golden chest with my crowbar. A warhammer of excellent craftsmanship, carved with mystic runes, was found inside. But its former master resented my theft--the dead body itself rose from the grave.
Even the dead cannot stand against my skill. The enchanted warhammer put the half-alive creature out of its misery. Yet something of the encounter has left a chill upon my skin. I must sleep, there is more exploration to be done on the morrow. But as I close my eyes, I find myself strangely uneasy about what other horrors I may find in the deeps beneath this place.


Journal Entry #3
I lie here shivering as I write this. My wounds ache, and no matter how I bandage them, they do not seem to wish to stop bleeding. I truly do not know how I can survive to return to Qis now, as my camel has still not made its appearance. I hope only that some future explorer can find these meager writings and learn from them.
I explored the north tower~~
Please excuse the scribble. A fit of coughing interrupted my pen for a moment.
There was a beast there, a half-man, half-ape, with skin and hair white like bones. I fought it valiantly, but it had the strength of ten men. Though I defeated it with a solid blow to the skull from my warhammer, I fear the injuries it gave me may yet tell.
Once again, the evil magicks of this place haunt me. For once I had destroyed the beast, it simply vanished, leaving neither hide nor hair. Sadly, the wounds it left upon my body were more material.
I grabbed but a single piece of treasure from the tower to show for my adventures: an eight-pointed star of gold. It seems designed to be worn about the neck. Once again, the dead stirred once I touched their precious goods, but this time I was prepared, and fled before they could reach me.
We shall see what tomorrow brings. This city may defeat me, but I shall not surrender. I will rip every bit of knowledge that I can from the bones of Khalris before giving her my own.
As I shiver against the desert night, I find myself wishing I had brought more first aid kits.


Journal Entry #4
Hah! Life still clings to my body, despite the best efforts of this place. I found the remains of another explorer today. This time, I opened the sarcophogus in the tomb of the east tower before reaching for the good there, thinking perhaps I could destroy the mummy first, then plunder at my leisure. But inside was a young man, his face frozen in terror.
I know not what possessed him to leap into a sarcophogus with an ancient mummy, close the lid above him, and die of fright. And I suspect I would rather not know.
After I helped myself to his posessions, strange shadow beasts rose from all around. If they were what did for the young man, they did not have the same effect on me. I attempted to beat them off with a torch, but they simply enveloped it within their own shadows and extinguished it.
Fleet feet saved me today. Sometimes, in this place, the wisest thing to do is simply to run.
I live on to explore another day. I may be getting the hang of this place.


Journal Entry #5
It is with a heavy heart that I must admit defeat. I reviewed my food supplies today and determined that, if I leave now, I have just enough to get back to civilization.
I may be willing to risk death for this cause, but it is not worth consigning myself to certain death simply for the opportunity to explore the true secrets of Khalris. My wounds have healed enough that I can travel, and logic forces me to admit that I must depart, even if my heart yearns to stay.
My explorations since last entry have revealed little new. Yet I suspect that there is some great mystery to this place that I have not yet discerned.
Perhaps I shall come back again someday, this time armed with the knowledge of experience.
Until then, Khalris. This is not over, only sleeping.







Journal Entry #6
Three long years have passed since I last explored the dead city of Khalris, but its call still haunts my dreams. I toss and turn, wondering what I missed, what great truths remain yet unexplored.
And so it is that I have pooled my earnings from the last three years and prepare to venture to that great city once more. This time, I have the benefit both of my prior experiences, and of the loot I saved from before.
I was forced to sell back all the good I had bought in Qis, to get enough to get started on. However, I was able to keep everything I found in Khalris before. I could have sold some of those items for great riches, but it is not worth it to me--not until I know the secret of Khalris. Not until I answer the call.
Khalris, I hear you. I am coming.

[OOC: Started over again, just like starting new, but keeping the same background and with all the codewords and loot from last time still on my character sheet. Not my original purchased equipment, though. I ditched anything I had originally bought, and am taking another 50 sp to buy new equipment. Only things I actually found in Khalris am I keeping for this time around. Oh--replenishing Hero Points, too.]


Journal Entry #7
The secrets of this place begin to unlock to me.
So far, the journey has treated me well. By chance, I happened to run into the same tribal nomads on the way here who I encountered last time. It seemed to me a blessing. They were surprised to see me alive, and even more surprised to learn I was headed back into this place.
Vipers and walking dead continue to be a problem. And to make matters worse, my camel has already vanished again. Blast it all! This city must have a curse against camels.
This time I was able to spend less time mapping the city; only long enough to confirm that my old maps were still correct. I began my explorations today. The tombs of this city are truly filled with treasure, but one must be swift and careful to retrieve it without arousing the ire of the dead.
This time, with only time enough to grab one item, I made sure to grab an old scroll I found, marked with the same 8 pointed star on the amulet I found three years ago.
Perusal of the scroll has revealed that the entire layout of the city is built along the lines of an eight pointed star. This symbol clearly had mystic significance to the people who once lived here.
Perhaps there is something special to be found at the center...


Journal #8
I met a brave man today. He had been an explorer, like me. He picked up an armband studded with green emeralds, believing it woudl give him power, but instead it cursed him, and he was slowly turning to stone.
He told me of a Grand Temple, where he believed he might find a cure--this confirmed my suspicions that something of importance is at the heart of the city--yet when we joined forces to continue exploring the city, he fell prey to a terrible trap in the southern tower.
I am loathe to return there, for it was there he met his fate, yet he believed that something of purpose may be found in that tower, so I fear I must.
Rest well, brave Garrod.


Journal #9
The southern tower was as perilous as I feared, yet I have survived, and I return with a great treasure indeed. A book of ancient lore, as old as the city. Here, if anywhere, I hope to find the answers I seek.
I shall study it on the morrow. For now, I must rest, and my bandages need changing. I am grateful that this time I learned the lesson to bring plenty of first aid supplies. I thought I had brought more than enough, yet this one deep injury may demand nearly all of them.
My skin on the left arm seems afflicted with the same curse that affected Garrod. Does the city claim me, now that it has lost him?


Journal #10
I explored the last tower today. Snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?
I am exhausted, so this entry will be brief. Let it suffice to say that I survived, and I came away with a gold headdress decorated with a jade snake upon the crown. It seemed the most likely to have mystic significance of the items that I saw, and yet, I am pragmatic enough to consider that it will have excellent market value once all is said and done.
For now, sleep. Tomorrow... the Great Temple. My food supplies are dwindling. It's now or never.
If you do not see another entry in this journal, know that the temple itself proved too much for me. May you learn from my mistakes.


Journal #11
I have entered the great temple. It is painful to write, my hand does not work as it should. The scales grow across my whole body now.
No! It must not end like this. All I wanted was a peaceful death. Not to be... changed.
It's happening so swiftly now... It was the book. The book cursed me. Don't touch the book!
Agh! It hurts... the transformation will soon be complete. I will be just one more snake in the temple.
When you kill me, oh ye who finds this, remember that I was once a man.
Please, kill me swiftly.
The scales...

Truly these tales tell of a terrible fate. Let all who would journey into Khalris beware...

The Ravages of Fate by Ulysses Ai

My first impressions of the Ravages of Fate were not good. Did this guy write the introduction with the heavy aid of a thesaurus, or is he just showing off? Either way, it doesn't really work. "Paining you with a dichotomy of wretchedness and remembered latitude?" Really? I think I eventually figured out what that's supposed to mean, but I took a few wrong turns in the maze first, and I think I had to fight and ogre and steal it's latitude before I could find the exit. After passing some guy teetering on the edge of madness with glee at his impending death. Don't know what his deal is. Didn't ask.

To (mis)quote the immortal words of Pierre Bosquet, "C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la litterature: c'est de la folie." Or, "It is magnificent, but it is not writing: it is madness."

That said, once we're past the introduction, the author quickly abandons the thesaurus and/or pretenses, and spins a surprisingly good yarn. It turns into some of the best writing of the year, which I was shocked by, after the introduction. It's descriptive. It's vivid. And in particular, the author creates believable dialogue (such a relief after Dating a Witch!) Actual dialogue is rare in gamebooks; it's not the norm. So major props for not only attempting it, but pulling it off successfully. The characters of your three companions are the strongest part about this gamebook.

While I enjoy the story in the first half, the second half revolves around nothing so much as the fight with the big troll. While I think it's an interesting idea, and devoting so many sections to the fight allows it to be extremely dynamic and interesting, I felt the balance was WAAAAY off. It struck me as very, very hard to win legitimately. Hell, I cheated my pants off, and (while I enjoyed the fact that I had no pants) I still couldn't win!

A couple things that might help with the balance: Either reduce the starting vitality of the troll, so that he can go down more quickly, or have the attacks described by your companions do actual real damage to the troll, or both. Actually, across the board I think all the Vitality numbers need to be reduced. The fight just took too long.

At the end of the day, this is a gamebook of highs and lows. I love the writing for the better part of the book, but the writing in the background sets my teeth on edge. I love the dynamism off the troll fight and just how much can be done with it with fifty-ish sections devoted just to that, but in execution, it took too long and was impossible to beat.

If I were an editor, and this came across my desk, I would say, "Yes, after another re-write or two." It has what it takes, now the author just needs to get out of the reader's way and let him enjoy it.

Dating a Witch by Ivailo Daskalov

I'm sorry to say that this was one of the weakest entries of this year's Windhammer competition. However, it was not wholly without merit. What I like about Dating a Witch is the focus on the two main characters, on their relationship and all the dialogue. In my opinion, gamebooks are all too often shallow affairs with no real attention to character and dialogue, so having one very focused on people and a relationship was very refreshing. At the same time, this was in some ways its greatest weakness, because much of the dialogue came across as stilted and unrealistic.

It's hard to say how much of this weakness in writing the dialogue comes from language barriers, and how much from the author's own mind. Ivailo is another member of the Bulgarian gamebook community, and I really have to give him props for reaching beyond his comfort zone to try writing a gamebook in a language that is not his own. That said, I think his command of English isn't quite up to the task of bringing the dialogue to life.

It took a major leap of suspension of disbelief to keep reading past the first section, but when I pushed through and actually read the entire story, I was pleasantly surprised. It has a very engaging plotline with an interesting premise. I like romance in gamebooks (I'm a big softie at heart) so this is in some ways right up my alley. The author gives the two characters an irresistable appeal to one another, something out of the ordinary that draws them together. At first, this comes off as sappy and melodramatic, not to mention unrealistic, but I think some of that might be due to the stilted dialogue (which again comes back to language issues.) When I was able to suspend disbelief, I actually found the connection between the two characters to be very powerful.

Later on some dangerous events start happening, such as an attack by a demonic entity against someone on the street nearby. The injection of a little danger into the story was definitely a strong addition, but I would have liked to see a little more explanation of what and why. It would be nice to have that attack tie into the plot somehow, rather than just being, "and here's something else which happened."

I was amused to see the female lead's interest in gamebooks ;) A little bit of the author projecting there, perhaps? On a side note, the board game/gamebook which they play together once you get up into Lauren's apartment actually sounded really fun... I wonder, does that exist, or is it something the author made up for purposes of the story? If it doesn't exist, I kinda want to go make it...

I also liked the magic in the world. The demonologists powers, and the witch's, were both very interesting. My only request there (like so many other gamebooks this year) would be to please, please please fill the reader in right at the start. We have no knowledge of what the world is or what to expect other than the briefest of mentions that William is a demonologist. When does the story take place? Are we in modern times? Ancient times? Where? South Africa? Tokyo? Some other planet? You don't need to make a big deal of these things if they're not important to the story, but the basic questions of when and where should at least be addressed right away.

To sum it up, the powerful and mysterious attraction these two characters feel for each other at the start comes across as sappy and unrealistic at first, partly due to weak dialogue (which may be due to language barriers), but if you are able to suspend disbelief (a major suspension, I know, but possible) then the attraction actually becomes quite powerful, and it's a lot of fun to go along with these characters on their first date and see how it goes. The world is interesting, filled with magic and danger, I just wish it were a lot more fleshed out, with some sense of why these things are happening and how it all works. Mostly, I wish I could read Ivailo's work in his native language, or as translated by a capable translator. More than the other second-language authors this year, I feel like this piece suffers from the language barrier.