Review of "Gunlaw" by Nicholas Stillman

So, something I like to do once in a while is grab some friends, usually geeky types who I happen to be hanging out anyway, and read one of these aloud to them.

I made the mistake of doing that with Gunlaw, without previewing it myself first.

On the plus side, we had a hilarious time. On the downside... *sigh* I would say this is the worst gamebook I've reviewed yet, if I hadn't reviewed "The Thing That Crawls" earlier this week.

Where can I even begin? Okay, we open with a pre-apocalypic (Genre Count: 1) Western (Genre Count: 2) in which the world has gone broke, frightened masses fled the cities, and the countryside has reverted to a new Old West. Our story is set in the town of Gunlaw, which has only one law: every citizen must carry a gun.

Right.

But wait! It gets better! Our hero, Billy Joe Canfield, is on a mission to rescue children (Genre Count: 3) from Maslow, the City of Lowdown Death, which apparently is populated by gouls. (Genre Count: 4) After a long and amusing discussion about the nature of gouls and how the word should be pronounced--we settled on a Brooklyn accent--we trekked off into the car-wreck-littered countryside to rescue us some kids. A very Mad Max vibe, but we won't count that as a new genre, since Mad Max falls somewhere in between pre-apocalypse and Western, anyway.

But then Canfield runs into a terrifying apparition that appears from the shimmering horizon: a van full of hooting jocks armed with beer, wearing the jerseys of their high school in Maslow. (Genre Count: 5) The boys, and I quote, "hop from their van like monkeys off a river raft," whereupon, "One stud throws back his gelled hair and howls while crushing a full beer can in each fist." (Genre Count: wtf?)

At this point, there were howls. Oh yes, there were howls. Gales, you might even say.

Once we recovered enough to keep reading, we found the winning insult of the season, "This posse amounts to short stature diabetics with gynocomastia."

I'll let that sink in.

Next, to our dismay, Canfield accidentally shoots the jock captain in the heart, whereupon he has a "drop siezure without the siezure." Another classic line.

At this point, I became physically incapable of reading on. Fortunately, a friend stepped in to read the cheerleader's heartbreaking cries of anguish over her fallen boyfriend. Canfield, being the stalwart, upstanding guy that he is, immediately goes through the cheerleader's purse, and then requisitions her services at gunpoint to drive him into Maslow.

After some deeply confusing descriptions of the city of Maslow, Canfield, with his hostage and stolen van, starts getting pursued by police, which results in a shootout. (Genre Count: 6) To resolve the situation, he takes the only logical action he could: climbing out of the window, up onto the roof of the van. Um... as you do?

From his stable vantage point on top of the van, he nails the cop driver right in the unibrow (not even kidding) causing an accident in which all the cop torsos are kept safe by their harnesses, but all of their limbs "detach and rain over a kilometer stretch of the highway," causing Canfield to gain 1 Justice Point. Aw, yeah!

At this point, Canfield, sensing his need to escape, detaches all the clamps on the motorbike that's on top of the van with him and, in a spectacular stunt of motorcycle driving, rides the bike right off the van through a midair jump to land on the roadway and tears off to safety, tires squealing. (Genre Count: 7)

Before he's gone three paragraphs, he comes across a crying, skinny little 8 year old girl entering a suicide booth, (Genre Count: 8) who he is unable to save. He is able to blow the brains out of an unsympathetic passerby though. Because that helps.

As the cops catch up to him, a mysterious stranger offers him asylum, which Canfield accepts, because the only other option we're given is to go along with the cops quietly. Because we've apparently lost our legs and won't be able to run until they regrow.

(As a side note, no, Canfield has not actually lost his legs. I was being silly trying to explain why "running away" is not a third option in that scenario. But when I cracked that joke to my friends, summarizing what had happened, the story is wacky enough that they honestly thought I was not kidding, and that Canfield had lost his legs and was waiting for them to regrew. Just sayin')

But I digress. Going with the Employer, we find ourselves in a high-tech, white-walled room being offered a job to assassinate the mayor (Genre Count: 9), in return for which, the Employer will tell us the location of the only remaining healthy child in all of Maslow. (Implying that 8 year old from the previous scene was the second to last child in the city?) But before he's willing to hire Canfield, the employer insists Canfield try to kill him.

Yes, it's that kind of story.

Finding himself unable to kill the Employer, but still impressive enough to be hired, we take a break while switching scenes...

To a scene completely out of left field in which the Mayor of Maslow and his cronies are watching two individuals mysteriously through a one-way mirror.

One of them is a synth woman who looks, and I quote, "hotter than nukes in her miniskirt." Except for the GIANT TITANIUM FUCKING BEAK sticking out of her face! WTF? The other is a prisoner, who the synth woman proceeds to seduce and then STAB IN THE FACE WITH HER BEAK AT 20 PECKS PER SECOND OMG AAAAAAAAAAH (Genre Count 10)

Incidentally, the author did his homework. 20 pecks per second is exactly the rate at which a woodpecker pecks. Scariest fucking woodpecker I've ever seen...

Somehow intuiting, perhaps from the trail of bodies Canfield has left behind him, that Canfield doesn't kill women, the Mayor's plan is to use the hot-as-nukes female synth assassin to kill Canfield. Let's just hope the bloody titatium beak doesn't give it away.

Canfield, needing to kill some time before killing the Mayor, shoots his way into an elementary school to find some kids to rescue. There we come across fifty morbidly obese children who have all had their legs amputated at birth reciting their times tables in a droning voice (Genre Count 11) What genre that is, I have no idea, but it's definitely a new one.

After shooting up the school a bit, during which all the children vanish in their motorized chairs, Canfield gets the mysterious choice to either punch the principal, or refuse to use unnecessary violence.

Now? After all this? Now we get to choose, "Canfield walks away, refusing to use unnecessary violence?"

For the sake of the excessive and unnecessary length this review is growing to, I'll abridge the rest, but his future enemies include the Neckbeard Gang (they don't last long), a homicidal 600 pound sumo ninja in a tight yellow jumpsuit sporting dual uzis who calls himself Gus (he lasts only slightly longer), a cop in a wheelchair (who Canfield rides like a pony until he dies), the black-armored Bulldog the Headhunter (who runs away squealing after Canfield shoots his thumb off), an apartment complex full of boy bands (who die in a fire after Canfield burns the building down), the beak-nosed synth assassin woman (who loses both hands to Canfield's gun when he instantly recognizes her murderous intent behind the innocent veneer of GIANT FUCKING TITANIUM BEAK), a crowd of stampeding shoppers who have been convinced Canfield is holding some coupons, (who Canfield tricks into practicing sword-swallowing while riding lawn tractors... to predictable results), Mayor Dunlop and his cronies (of whom, Canfield shoots all the males), a lynch mob gathered by tweet, (who Canfield burns in a diesel fire).

Eventually, after much violence and some breaking of the fourth wall, Canfield escapes Maslow empty-handed, having failed to save any children at all. Good job, Canfield.


Total Score: ??/25


Opening
2/5
Okay, I'm not sure how to rate this with a straight face, and the experience was completely transformed by reading it aloud with friends. Eventually it became clear the whole thing was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but I think it would have been stronger if it had acknowledged that up-front. We still thought we were dealing with a straight shooter (so to speak) right up to the time my friends gave up, leaving me alone with the rest.

But the opening was pretty good. Before it becomes clear how completely apeshit this entire book is. It presents what appears to be a compelling setting and simple, excellent rules.

That said, I'm marking it down pretty heavily for not accurately representing the book to come. I don't know if Stillman started out writing this in earnest, and lost patience and went a little nuts halfway through, or if he always intended it to be a bit comedic, but either way, the book as a whole suffers from the fact that the tone isn't made clear right at the beginning. It would have avoided a lot of "what the actual fuck!?" moments if we'd realized from the beginning that that was intentional.


Flow
2/5
The rules were good--neither too light nor too heavy--so that's an up mark in this category, but the choices you make rarely have anything to do with the results you get. That's problematic.

I don't see much by way of underlying narrative structure. Mostly it seems to be an excuse to whisk the reader from one absolutely insane adventure to the other.


Writing
Moo/5
Ah... what can I say? I have no idea how to grade this.

To be fair, while reading it aloud with my friends... it was awful. Like, genuinely, I don't think I've ever read alout anything as bad.

But also, to be fair, it had us in stitches. We were dying laughing. So if that was the intent, and I'm starting to be more of the opinion that it was, then he succeeded.

An old GM of mine used to play a game with us, where we could ask any question we liked. There were four possible answers: "Yes," "No," "There's one way to find out," and "Moo."

"Moo," was reserved for questions that have no possible answer, questions that are phrased so poorly or so disconnected from reality that they leave the entire concept of "question" long behind.

Moo.

Story
1/5
I can't mince words about it too much... this story was awful. A preternaturally skilled cowboy venturing into a hyper-tech dystopian city to rescue children while gunning his way in a bloody swatch through the semi-innocent populace?

I suppose a good story could have been written that would have things in common to this, but... the specifics of what happens are so completely batshit insane that I just can't find redeeming virtues. Nothing in the entire book was plausible. Not even one thing. The only hesitation I have is that, well, we had a GREAT time! Which leads us to...

Secret Sauce
5/5
Any specific thing that you look at in this book is largely terrible, especially if you take it straight at face value. If you don't look at this as a comedy, it could be siezure-inducing due to the sheer WTFness of it.

But the fact is, reading this aloud was one of the must fun things I did that day with my friends, and we did a lot of fun things. We had a blast. We were dying with laughter from left to right. We felt bad at the time, that we were laughing so much at this, but later, finishing it on my own, I realized that we're not laughing at the author; we're laughing with him!

This was never intended to be delivered straight. It's a comedy, and as a comedy, it was incredibly successful. Thanks to the author for a wonderful afternoon.

Review of "The Thing that Crawls," by Matthew R. Webber

Today I'll be reviewing (to the extent of my abilities) Matthew R. Webber's "The Thing that Crawls."

I hate to say it, but this was one of the few entries that I did not give a complete play-through to, for the simple reason that I quite literally could not. After wading through an intriguing, but long, cumbersome, and frequently confusing set of rules and character creation options, I dove into the text itself for a practice swim before tackling character creation in earnest.

Once I got in, I realized that the game is so riddled with typos that it is quite literally impossible to play. After my very first choice, at a T-intersection in some dungeon, (I pretended my Luck was 3), I was directed to a scene where I was suddenly and quite mysteriously drinking some strange milk and experiencing euphoria from it. And to boot, the paragraph had typos (or possibly simple grammatical errors) so extreme that some of the sentences were nigh-incomprehensible.

I made an earnest effort to recover. I did. Anyone can have a mislabeled link. It happens to the best of us. So I went back, pretended my luck was 2 instead of 3 in order to take a different path, skimmed over a fight with a feisty ficus, and then tried going East. There, at my next Luck option (less than 4 now) I found myself inexplicably going to a scene in which I found myself pushing over a statue. What statue? Where from? Huh?

Since I had poked around a bit from the milk, previously, I was able to recognize this as the same statue said euphoric milk was leaking from. I had been given an option, in section 100, to push over that statue--which, to my consternation, was lacking a link number :/ It just says, "Push on the statue? Go to" and then nothing.

While I was amused that I wound up, by an altogether unforeseen and circuitous route consisting of entirely unrelated errors in linkage, back at the statue pushing scene I'd tried to get to originally, that cemented my conviction that the gamebook is, in fact, unplayable as written. Sorry M. R. Webber.

Total Score: 8/25


Opening
2/5
The rules are intriguing--I could see being really interested in them if this were a longer game. But Windhammer is about "short gamebooks." The scope of this competition is such that rules need to be tight, compact, and streamlined, which this ruleset is anything but.

Also, he opens with the rules, which in my opinion, is always a bad idea. For the sake of the new-to-gamebooks friendly who we all hope will be reading these, I strongly encourage all gamebook authors to open with some story, some narrative or history, or something to draw the reader in. And if the rules are longer than a page, try and tuck them in an appendix or something. While there are those of us who enjoy character creation, as a rule of thumb you generally want to put as few barriers between the reader and the story as possible.

The actual opening of the narrative was probably the best part, and... that's not saying much. I admit to some curiousity about the mysterious cave, and I found myself amused by the hapless dwarven miners, but I'm afraid we'll never get to know how much potential this gamebook actually had.


Flow
1/5
I want to make it clear that this low score is not a reflection of what could have been, but of what is. As I said above, this system might be fun in a longer format--if it were clearly explained and attached to a functional gamebook.

As it is, it's too long and complex, punctured by the occasional grammatical inconsistency that throws uncertainty on the intended meaning, and I couldn't apply it even if I wanted to.

But the real reason this gets such a low score is because of all the link errors making the game literally unplayable. That's what in the driving test world they call a "Critical Error." (I failed my first attempt at the driving test due to one of those--totally unfairly, I might add!)


Writing
2/5
I have to admit that I see a certain potential in the writing; I found the introduction intriguing, and there's some real creativity that's gone into the system, even if it didn't quite completely manifest into a usable form. But the writing is mostly damaged by errors and inconsistencies. Even when it's not critical, technical errors, like missing links, the writing just often has a certain impreciseness that is highly detrimental.

For example, in section 98, with the erroneous (and euphoric!) milk, the text reads, "As you scoop handful after handful (of the milk) to your mouth, a feeling of euphoria overwhelms you. All wounds are healed, your virginity is restored and all diseases are cured. If not, the healing powers of the milk are so powerful that all Damage points are restored, you even gain an extra one!"

This showcases the best and worst of Webber's writing. The line about virginity being restored is hilarious. If absent of errors and consistently peppered with that kind of humor, this book could be amazing. But... what is that "if not" doing in the second sentence? In fact, what is that second sentence even trying to say?

Sadly, the writing is full of little errors like that. And the fact that they're severe enough to impact meaning is pretty bad. This is why God invented editors.


Story
1/5
I'm giving this a one only because, with all the errors, I couldn't get to the story. If the gamebook did not give me a story, it gets a one. Maybe it could have been better! Maybe the story was actually brilliant! We'll never know. One.


Secret Sauce
2/5
I'm actually going to give this a very slight nod here. I think, absent errors, it would have potential. That brings it up to a two. But the fact that the gamebook is literally unplayable necessitates that overall, I give it one of the lowest scores I've ever given out.

Review of "The Independence Job," by Marty Runyon

Alright guys, time for my next review. Sorry for the delays; I've got them all outlined, but I still need to type them up as I go along--a task which sometimes gets interrupted by life. But they'll trickle out.

Anyway, this review is of "The Independence Job" by Marty Runyon.

When I picked up "The Independence Job," I was initially quite pleased, mostly because some crime hijinx sounded like a great change of pace. I ended up enjoying it, but not as much as I expected to. I really like a lot of the mechanics that were used, especially a way of tracking relationships with points. But the fact that these points were obfuscated by calling them "red points" instead of "Dorothy approval points" or something, did nothing to help me emotionally connect with the characters. In fact, the characters felt like cardboard cutouts. I liked that their emotions toward you were modeled, but at no point did their emotions feel real, not even in the models.

As for the crime itself, it was notable mostly in that it did a pretty good job of making the "game" side of it solid. The story side, once again, came in a bit lackluster. But I talk about all that below.

All in all, I felt that The Independence job skillfully avoids either the extremes of excellence or putritude, coming in solidly middle of the line.

Total Score: 15/25


Opening
4/5
The opening to "The Independence Job" definitely piqued my interest. I like the dirty crime genre, the rules are short and sweet, the "Introduction" section is short enough to not be overly labored, yet substantial enough to give you a clear idea what to expect. I only wish the story had lived up to the promise.

I was also pleased by his, "A Word About Sex," making it clear that you are free to envision the main character as either male or female. Although, I think using the word, "gender" there may have been more appropriate, since gender refers to identity and sex refers strictly and only to biology. Strictly speaking, what he's written could be correct, but I think, "A Word About Gender," may have been more true to his meaning.


Flow
4/5
I actually think the flow here is one of the strongest parts, though not perfect. Generally, your decisions are meaningful. I like the wager system, although I felt it was only slightly flawed in that having more Fortune points doesn't actually help you in game--since wagering more /decreases/ your chance of winning. But it gets you a better result at the end, so that's fine. And he did a good job of making sure all the skills could be used.

The most interesting part was also it's weak point, which is the whole "Red, Blue, Green" points part. If you haven't played it yet--well, if you haven't played it yet and you want to, stop reading and go do it because spoilers lie ahead. Otherwise, as a reminder for the rest of us: as you go through the game, you can earn red, green or blue points. Turns out these represent how much the different characters hate you. I was amused to discover that no, there is not any way of making them like you again. That is a one way street!

This is cool because the various decisions you make and how you relate to the other characters affects how the story ends. But once you grasp what's going on, it's a pretty simple model that doesn't really support much replayability. And more importantly, I don't really feel that it's supported by the story. But it's a cool twist for your first play-through.


Writing
2/5
When I read the first line of Chapter One, "The windows are wide open, trying to catch an evening breeze off the Hudson," I thought, damn, son, that's some good writing. I'm looking forward to reading this piece!

Then I made the mistake of reading the second line, "Your apartment is an oven, and you are the turkey."

Umm....

That doesn't even earn the trophy for wierdest line of the season (that dubious distinction might go to next week's review, "Gunlaw") but it's certainly in the running. And sadly, the juxtaposition of those two lines is exemplary of this piece. There's really sharp, crisp, fantastic writing abruptly adjacent to cliche drivel, and it's hard to tell what to expect from one paragraph to the next.

I was also dismayed to find a couple of typos. Not that big a deal, but another round of editing may have been desirable. And if that editor were looking not just for typos, but for cliches, that would have been even better.

Story
2/5
The story is the weakest part of "The Independence Job." While I like the crime genre, this incarnation of it doesn't do anything to take it above and beyond the cliche. I love that relationships with the other characters are built into the game mechanics, but it falls a little flat because the characters are all so bland. It doesn't really feel like you're offending another person. You just occasionally get told to take a point. The relationship is modeled, but you don't really feel it, as the reader.

That blandness extends beyond the characters to the rest of the world as well. The heist tastes like flat beer, without the vivid details that would make it come to life, without the tension that would put the reader on the edge of the seat. It just feels like the whole thing is drawn in two dimensional greyscale.

I've been reading McKee lately, and he says that cliche comes about when an author does not fully realize their own world. When an author does not create, explore and enliven their own vision enough, then when they come upon some part of the world they haven't created anew for themselves, they'll reach into their memory and grab it from somewhere else. I think "Independence Job" may be suffering from that fate.

That said, I'm not giving it a one, mostly because it does do some clever things with the ending, and I like how well the story and game mechanics are twined together, supporting one another.

Secret Sauce
3/5
For me, this comes in middle of the road. It stands out as exceptional in some areas, with a solid narrative framework, reasonably good choice structure and great mechanics--especially the whole relationship points thing. But in other ways it really falls flat, with some hit or miss writing and a flat, lackluster story that fails to get the reader's emotional investment.  I like it, but it wouldn't be at the top of my list for this season.

Review of "The Experiment" by Kieran Coghlan

I've been following Kieran's work with interest for years now, and it's interesting seeing how it's changed over that time. I remember in... 2009 or something, speculating with my girlfriend at the time that he must be a psychology student, given the nature of his fantastic entry, "Waiting for the Light." Now, four years later, I'm reading the vivid descriptions of the carpeted corridors and potted plants of a psychologists office, and can't help but wonder if this is a reflection of the changes in his own life. Has he moved out of the lecture hall into the office? Are these carpeted corridors and potted plants borrowed from his own life?

Speculation aside, "The Experiment" is a brief, but intriguing little piece. I suspect (and he even acknowledges) that he didn't have a lot of time to do a full entry this year. Indeed, "The Experiment" is almost, well, literally an experiment, rather than an actual, full gamebook, with only 24 sections, at an average of less than 100 words each. It's short. Really short. But it's doing something with what it is, and if it is an experiment, I'd say it's successful.

Total Score: 11/25


Opening
2/5

The opening is nice and brief, but that's about the best thing that can be said for it. It doesn't, all said, give you much reason for investing. It doesn't hook you, you might say. Instead, it relies on the natural curiousity of the reader to propel said reader forward.

On the plus side, it doesn't promise much to let you down on, later!


Flow
2/5

The choices are weak, and don't really bring about many consequences, other than mildly affecting the dialogue you end up getting. And there's no "game" mechanics at all. While I don't consider mechanics necessary (or rather, I consider player choice to BE the primary game mechanic) he just doesn't do a whole lot with the choices. Still, it's not one, because what little choice is there is actually the meat of the gamebook :)


Writing
3/5

Coghlan is a talented writer, and the places where he stretches his legs are worth it. The few places. All in all, this suffers from obviously not having had a lot of time invested in it. Many of the paragraph sections are barely a line or two long. There's just not much to sink your teeth in to.


Story
3/5

I'm giving this as much as a 3 because it has the little twist at the end, which does raise some interesting questions. The whole thing seems to be a delivery method for the one essential question... much the way that fries are a delivery method for salt.

There's no story to speak of otherwise, but the twist and the essential question at the end (which I won't spoil here) are enough to bring it up to at least a 3.


Secret Sauce
1/5

Nope. Nope nope nope. Sorry. Look, it's a neat gimmick, but that's all that this is. I can't give it a high score in earnest when it's competing against other entries that bring so much more to the table.

And to be fair, this is nothing against Coghlan. I know he can do better--he even demonstrates his ability in flickers in "The Experiment"--but he just didn't have time to do a proper entry, and that's fine.

Review of "Merchants of Spice Islands" by Chan Sing Goh

Merchants of the Spice Islands is an interesting gamebook, one which I would describe as a near miss. It starts out strong, with a very compelling premise and effective, thorough rules--if slightly on the long side for such a short gamebook--but once you get into the meat of the story, it quickly becomes lackluster.

I think Spice Islands fails in exactly the same place where Tipping Point succeeded: the structure. Whereas Tipping Point made use of a beautifully effective blend between sandbox and story-driven modes, Spice Islands had the perfect opportunity to do bring in a touch of sandbox style, but failed to do so. Instead, you are railroaded from one port to another (or from one set of options to another) without a whole lot of a feeling of agency. Furthermore, while Tipping Point was masterful at creating choices that have consequence, Spice Islands did not reach that same level of excellent choice-crafting. Sure, things do have consequences from time to time. Take the rotten trader, for example: if you buy his cheap goods, you find out later they're bad and that has consequences. But it's not as effective as the consequences that come out of Moonowl's "rob the treasury" choice, because there's no real choice for the player. We're here to trade; why should we suspect this trader is any more likely to cheat us than any other? Like many of the encounters in Spice Islands, it feels a little random and arbitrary.

I would like to see a re-write of Merchants of the Spice Islands. The premise is so rich, and it comes so close to being excellent, I can't help but hope that we'll see the author do another draft with improved structure. When I first picked it up and read the introduction, my very first note was "This is the kind of gamebook that reminds me why I like gamebooks." I just wish it had lived up to its promise.


Opening: 4

The opening was very strong, probably the best part of the book. It really effectively tells you what you're getting into, and despite not having a whole lot of flavor text, for me at least it really whetted my appetite for digging into this historical scenario. The scenario itself is just compelling. My only complaint is that all the pre-game material (descriptions, choices, rules, etc.) is a little long. It comes across as a bit top-heavy for such a short gamebook.

Flow: 2

Though I think this is essentially where the book failed, I'm giving it at least a two because there were some strong points. I found the system effective and engaging, with the party-based combat, and the ship to ship combat. That said, even on the pure system side, I did think the balance was often a little off. Some of the encounters were too hard to survive, such as running from the French Frigate--I got killed even with no cargo--and some of the fights with the natives.

As for the structure of the interactivity, as described above, it was too weak for this gamebook to really excel, despite it's potential. The player needs to be given more choices, and given more information on which to base those choices. I never felt that I got a "big picture" perspective. Instead, I was just kind of thrust in without any real sense of what was coming up in the future or what the overall arc of my adventure would look like. I would like to see a map, for one thing. I think just the simple addition of a map would work wonders. And if it were accompanied by a slightly more open choice structure, that would be a lot stronger. Last but of course not least, more developing of consequences for your choices.

One more note: I think randomness was a bit overused. It can be good for replayability, but there were several times where it was really apparent which of two randomly determined options would be the "best." That just begs the reader to cheat (as I ended up doing, several times, just to get through the game. Why not, when the alternative is to just stop reading the whole thing then and there?) If you're trying to improve replayability, then randomness is good, but if the player's in control of the dice, don't make it a random selection between one good or one bad option. In fact, you probably usually shouldn't randomly send the player to either something good or something bad. I think it's stronger to use randomness (or choice!) to direct the player between two different routes, each of which has advantages and disadvantages.

Writing: 3

The writing was competent, and probably would have been a four, except that it needed an editor. There were almost no capitalization, punctuation or spelling errors, but way too many sentence structure errors. For example, there were at least two times where the word "are" was dropped, and I think once where "is" was dropped. That makes for some very strange sentences.

It's wierd though, that in other ways it was grammatically impeccable. Everything was perfect, except that the sentences just didn't always sentence properly. I think it's just the oversights that any author could make; this is why we need editors!

Story: 3

I loved the premise, and I think a lot of the ideas that went into the story were great. Taken individually, a lot of the encounters were interesting and suitable for both the gamebook format and the historical scenario as we were given it. It's just how all the encounters were strung together that I take issue with.

The only other problem, and if it weren't for this, I would have given story a little stronger of a rating, there just wasn't much of an actual throughline for the piece. There's no real ambition for our hero, except to make as much money as he can. In fact, there's not much "character" to any of the characters. It's just pretty straightforward. If it were me, I would try to find something to work in to make it personal--a lost companion, a rival, a missing treasure--and use that to provide a throughline that can hook the reader and keep them engaged as they meander their way through the various mini-quests and encounters, making money.

Secret Sauce: 2

I have to give it a little on the low side here, just because, as mentioned above, it got a little bland once I got deeper into the story. I loved the premise and had high hopes for the whole story, but it just got grey as it got rolling. Shrug. Again, some of the individual encounters were exciting, and the premise was beautiful. But that connective tissue that brings it all together isn't developed enough to carry it.

(P.S. I'm officially changing my schedule to update on Wednesdays and Saturdays, since Saturday seems to be when I do the weekend post anyway. Just an FYI.)

Review of "Tipping Point" by Andy Moonowl

Today I'll be reviewing Tipping Point by Andy Moonowl. As discussed previously, this year I'm going to be going through my reviews in alphabetical order, by author's first name. And hopefully, the idea is that I'll be putting them up two a week, on Wednesday and Friday. (As a reminder, you can check my rubric here.)

As to Andy's story... wow! This was a great piece of work. You know what I think makes it? It's the aspect I'm calling "Flow." The story structure is impeccable. It's a neat idea, and the writing is pretty good, but neither of those are magnificent. What really makes it shine is the way the structure creates the feel of a real, breathing world. Or, phrased another way, your actions have consequences.

For example, early on you can choose to steal from the King's treasury. At first, I was a bit put off by this, because it's so easy. There's no risk; you just definitely succeed. Then I discovered that it has consequences later. A LOT of consequences. In Ham Duranen, the guards at the gate recognize your picture on the wanted poster. In the neighboring town, if you are visibly carrying the king's loot, the guards there try to grab you, and chase you out of town. In an especially cool twist, if you then run around among the peasants talking rebellion, well, due to your theft, there's a spy among them, and he attacks you. These are all brilliant uses of consequences, of making your choices meaningful.

It goes deeper than that too, from the direction you choose to go on the overmap, to which faction you side with (if either), to the decision at the very end, Tipping Point is rich with meaningful decisions.


Opening: 2

I have to say, the opening was my least favorite part. When I first pulled out this story, I almost didn't even give it a chance. In fact, the main reason this wasn't one of the stories I voted for was because I didn't realize how rich it actually is until I came back and played it again for purposes of writing the full review.

The main problem I ran into was that I couldn't immediately see the relevance of the strange vision. I mean, the vision is obviously supposed to evoke a modern world, but what on earth does that have to do with this extremely generic-seeming, cliche fantasy world that we then find ourselves in? Beyond which, the vision itself kind of rubbed me the wrong way, just because I don't agree--apartments are not cages. Cubicles at work are not cages. His descriptions make an almost political statement, and it's not one I agree with. Our world is full of wonders; just because we're used to them doesn't make them any less wondrous.

Of course, later it became apparent what the relevance was, and then I was quite pleased with how it all tied together. I wonder if there would have been a better way to forecast that, though, so the opening might not have seemed so awkward?


Flow: 5

As I said in the opening words, this is where the story really shone. I think the presence of a combat system was effective and additive. It wasn't unique in any way, but it worked--and even better, it had a mass combat system that worked! I love mass combat, so it was REALLY cool to see that here, and even better that it wasn't inherently broken (though I personally did find a way to break it lol)

But game systems aside, what really made this amazing is the structure of the story, with a very effective balance between sandbox-style exploration and choice-driven narrative. The crown in the jewel is the effectiveness of the choice structure; just that so many of the player's choices are meaningful and have real, often dramatically important consequences later on.


Writing: 3

The writing wasn't perfect, but it wasn't bad. It has a bit of an amateurish quality to it, but there's also something charming about the innocence of the vision. Occasionally there was word repetition or awkward
sentences, but it wasn't too disruptive.

At the end of the day, the writing wasn't what carried the piece, but it didn't get in the way. It worked.


Story: 4

Although at first I was a little put off by the apparently generic fantasy world, by the time we got a little way in, I found myself kinda charmed by the old-school fantasy vibe. I mean, where else could you make a wrong turn and wind up in a random encounter with an iron elemental?

I remember a DnD game I played years ago, when we literally did have a random encounter with an elemental. I was so annoyed at the apparent lack of all rhyme or reason behind this elemental wandering around in the wilderness (the DM had just flipped through the Monstrous Manual to pick it out). In this story, it would have fit right in, though!

I liked that even the random encounters were actually tied to the main plot. And the whole concept of this being a "tipping point" in the fate of the world, going toward advancement or staying innocent, is really cool. All in all, quite solid.


Secret Sauce: 5

I'm going to go all out here and give this two thumbs up. It's not without its weaknesses, but at the end of the day, this is one of the most impressive entries of the year. Largely because it captures that all important element so effectively: meaningful choice.

Review of "Redundant," by Alessandro Voila

Whoops! Forgot to put this up yesterday >.<  Scheduling them in advance might not be a bad idea.

This will be the first of my reviews of the 2013 Windhammer entries. I wasn't able to get to it right away, but hopefully they're not too late to be useful. I'll be going through the stories in alphabetical order, by the author's first name, so we'll be starting with Redundant, by Alessandro Voila. You can reference the rubric I'm using here, if you're so inclined.

"Redundant" is a decent gamebook, but not exceptional. It's got some neat ideas, and I find the satire of the work-a-day office to be amusing (especially in the context of having had my own share of unpleasant jobs). It's a fairly typical dystopia, but that "Office Space" type of irony that comes across in the strict schedule of meetings and the portrayal of the management has a unique flair to it. It gives an eerily familiar portrayal of how it feels to be a peon in a large organization, entirely at the mercy of Those On High. Right down to the day they sack your sorry ass.

Of course, in this world, "sack" takes on a whole new meaning...

I wonder if the author of "Redundant" might not be a native English speaker, because the language struggles from time to time. It's not often overtly wrong, it just seems a little awkward in places, which could simply be a lack of familiarity

Opening: 3
Opening with the memory of a happy childhood on the beach is a nice touch, but it's a little clumsy in execution. I wasn't really sure what was going on, or why I should care, until far too late into the opening section. That said, once I did figure it out, I realized it's not a bad opening, it just needs to be reworked a bit. I think if the nuts and bolts were more clear, it would tighten the emotional punch of the scene.

Flow: 4
I like the game aspect of this story. The use of Rage and Frustration is innovative and evocative. I also like the time mechanic and what it makes you do and think about, as the player. It makes the world feel alive, that things are happening at certain times, and if you go to a room at the wrong time, it may just be empty. A lot of games, even big studio titles, don't bring that level of verisimilitude to their worlds.

Writing: 2
The writing is in some ways the weakest link in this story. It is fluent, and there are many points where it almost even verges on poetic, but... and maybe this is just me, but it just doesn't speak to me. Too often, the writer gets lost in convoluted sentences, or just expresses ideas in something of an odd way.

Story: 4
The story is a distopia, and though that's hardly a unique vision, he does bring a unique take to it. Unfortunately, with several attempts, I was never able to survive and make it to the end, so I'm not sure how it would end, but it's a neat vision nonetheless.

Secret Sauce: 3
I'm going to bring this in right in the middle of the road here. I think the story has a lot going for it, but it's also got some weaknesses, and at the end of the day it balances out. Not the best, but also not the worst.

Windhammer Competition Almost Over

Hello all, the Windhammer competition this year is almost over! My feelings around this are very bittersweet this year, as on the one hand, it makes me sad to not have my name in the pool, but on the other, there's some incredible entries. I've really enjoyed reading all of them.

On the plus side, I'm really happy with how some of my projects are shaping up. I'm depressed at how long it's taking to cook, but I think it'll be worth it once I'm done. More on that in a future post :)

While reading through the Windhammer gamebooks, I've also been working on reviews. This year, I'll be rating each gamebook in five categories as described below. If you submitted an entry, keep an eye out for my reviews after the results are published on the 7th of November.

If not, (either way actually) make sure to get your entries in before the end of the month! As a reminder, to vote you must send your top 3 choices to vote@arborell.com on or before Oct 30. If you vote late, it will not count. If you only send your top 1 or 2 favorites, it will not count. Read them all and submit your top THREE favorites.

Here's the five criteria I'll be using this year for my rating system. Each criteria is worth 5 points, for a total of up to 25 points maximum. I think the highest anyone got last year was 24 (if I remember correctly) and that was for S.J. Bell's wonderful "The Evil Eye." [Edit: Upon checking the records, it looks like I didn't end up doing the numeric reviews last year, because I didn't have time to do it for all of them. But Evil Eye would have gotten 24!]

Ashton's Kickass Gamebook Review System

Opening: This is just a quick response to the initial 3 minutes with the book. Does the opening clearly convey the concept? Does it hook the reader? Does it accurately portray the rest of the book? Is it exciting, colorful or intriguing? In essence, does it make me want to read more?

Flow: All game mechanics fall under this category, most importantly the author's use of player choice to drive the narrative. I consider game mechanics beyond that to be of secondary importance, but they will be noted here if they are outstanding, either in being very additive or very disruptive.

Writing: I'd love to say that it's the story that really matters, but the truth is, half of the story is in the telling. This category covers authorial voice, the use of language to convey mood, the choice of what to include and what to leave out, other writing tricks and techniques, such as foreshadowing and the choice of perspective and tense, and last but not least, the fundamental mechanics of writing.

Story: What's it all about if not to tell a good yarn, eh? This category attempts to look past any flaws (or successes!) in the writing and game categories to the underlying ideas behind the entire thing. Do the characters feel realistic and interesting? Is the setting compelling? How's the plot? Do the events address the theme in a meaningful way? If there's an invigorating twist at the end, it will be acknowledged here.

Secret Sauce: A lot of times there's some special ingredient that just can't be categorized easily. Those things get acknowledged here. Beyond that, this criterion attempts to look past the specifics of the other four categories to look at the piece as a whole. Technique and rigor aside, how does it leave me feeling at the end?

Legacy of the Zendari by Ashton Saylor (myself)

Ah, my own Legacy of the Zendari. I was so proud of it when I had completed it, and it did serve me well. But I think it also has some weaknesses that I didn't completely realize when I had just finished it.

It may seem strange to review my own gamebook, but I think there is some merit. Objectivity? Throw that out the window--not happening. But as the author, I can also offer a unique insight into the thinking behind it, as well as share with you the conclusions I've drawn regarding the story in the time since I completed it, watching it go through the competition, win a Merit Award, and get ripped apart in feedback by several of the other talented authors in our little community.

The thing that stands out most starkly to me about this is that it has a bit of a "young adult" vibe, especially compared to some of my other works. This was actually to a certain extent intentional--my friend's 12 year old son read a bunch of my gamebooks, and The Grimlock's Cave was among his favorites. I took this as being a sign that that kind of clear, straightforward, and lighthearted adventure had a lot of merit, and so I attempted to go back to that style to a certain extent with Legacy of the Zendari. Without consider the fact that he was, in fact, a 12 year old boy, and so it is to some extent unsurprising that he would love the most "young adult" of my works.

What this means for me, now, is that I feel to a certain extent unsatisfied. I find myself, now, looking at post-apocalyptic settings in fiction or movies and thinking, "ooh! I should do a gamebook in a post-apocalyptic setting!" and then realizing, "wait... I just did that!"

But it doesn't feel like it. What I love about the post-apocalyptic setting is the gritty gravitas that it can have. The dark, heavy despair of everything being gone. And LotZ does not really do more than hint at that. Sure, it's mentioned a few times that there was all this damage, but at the end of the day it reads more like a kid's adventure story than like an adult's post-apocalypse story.

Now, theoretically, this could be good, if my desired audience is in fact 12 year old boys. (I haven't gotten the chance to show this yet to my friend's son--I'm looking forward to finding out what he thinks.) But if I want a piece with a little more depth, this may not be it.

That's not to say it doesn't have it's kind of depth. I did go out of my way to show life surviving, to show the little pieces of the world still moving, when and how they can. To show love and fighting and living still continuing. But it was all a little bit 2 dimensional. Even the big moral dilemma at the end; I'm happy with it for what it is, but it's just a little bit 2 dimensional.

(This is making me wonder, now, about the possibility of including a small short along with the gamebook in the TMG publication of it, something to capture a more "adult" or, hopefully, 3-dimensional view of this leftover world.)

Some of the feedback I got from others was that it had several cliche elements. Like the Colonel. And of course the mecha and aliens themselves are wholly unoriginal. I blatantly mimicked some of the "giant robot" anime of the 80's, Robotech in particular.

I also got feedback that the prose seemed occasionally "weak or rushed." This may go hand in hand with the writing containing a few too many cliche's. I'm not sure, but if anybody has any specific feedback on section numbers that seemed weak, cliched or rushed, I would love to get particulars to get more insight on where I can improve.

There are also questions I have for the group: Was the time mechanic successful? My intent was to use that to ratchet up tension to build intensity toward the end. Was it rewarding, or just frustrating? Or did it simply not matter, as you finished well within the limit anyway?

Did you enjoy the moral dilamma--such as it was--at the end? Some people (SJ I'm looking at you) did not enjoy it at all, describing it as a mass of cliches and melodrama. Other people I think did like it. What made the difference, and how could it be improved?

I was disappointed to find that no one found the "perfect" ending that allows you to end with all 12 medals of achievement. At least one reviewer declared it was impossible. I'm confused, because I would swear I did it myself without cheating! Of course, it's always easier for the creator of a game to do well at it because you know all the ins and outs... this is apparently a lesson for me to, if I want to include challenges like that, perhaps make them a little bit easier?

I also got mixed reviews on the combat system. Some people liked that it was very simple, others found it simplistic to the point of being ludicrous. At least one person said he really liked being able to choose which part of your mecha takes the damage. This made him vividly imagine moving the mecha to use some body part to protect other body parts. More than one person did not like (at least one of them vehemently) the snowballing effect of taking damage to your combat stats. If you're winning, it's easier to continue winning. If you're losing, it's easier to keep losing. I can definitely see the disadvantages of that.

A good combat system in a gamebook is still something I'm searching for. It seems that being able to choose where you take damage was rewarding, but becoming less combat-effective as you lose battles was not loved at all. Choices in combat are ultimately what makes it interesting. The question is, how to give players those choices? We had a lot of experimentation with that in a lot of the Windhammer entries this year: Swordplayer, Trial of the Battle God, and Ravages of Fate all come to mind immediately. Some of that experimentation is more successful than others, but it's all worthwhile. This year's competition has definitely given me a lot of food for thought in designing my next gamebook combat system.

The other facet of Legacy of the Zendari that got very mixed reviews was the Random Encounters along the way. Most people hated them; a few people loved them. I'll *probably* skip it next time? Consensus seemed to be that it wasted valuable time that could have been spent on furthering the story line. I would be very interested in hearing more thoughts on this topic. If you haven't told me already, please feel free to comment to share what you think of the random encounters?

Of course, it's also never going to be possible to please everyone. Better to pick a style and try to do that style as well as you can. People who don't like that style won't like it, but if the people who do like that style love it, then you've done your job well.

I'm still trying to put my finger on what exactly makes Legacy of the Zendari feel a little bit... immature. Any individual piece I look at, I like, but something about the whole is bugging me. Earlier I described it as being "young adult" in nature, but even young adult books can deal with very heavy themes and issues successfully. Here, something just seems missing, and I can't put my finger on what exactly.

Regardless, I must have done a pretty good job, because it was voted up there with Zachary Carengo's vividly descriptive Final Payment, and Marty Runyon's excellent Academy of Magic, both of which I loved. I attribute this to Legacy of the Zendari being, despite flaws, a very polished piece of work, with a clear, evocative setting, passable characters and dialogue, a clear goal and hook to rope the player in, and tension that builds over the course of the story. It's not perfect, but it must be the best I've done yet to have won an award in this crowd.

Thank you guys!

For anyone who feels inspired to comment, here are some questions for you:

* What did you love most about Legacy of the Zendari?
* What would you like to see different in a revised version of it?
* Are there any mechanics you would cut, change or add?
* Did you find the random encounters rewarding?
* And last but not least, what would you like to see more of from me in future gamebooks and other written works?

Stay tuned to see Legacy of the Zendari (complete with Anthony's beautiful artwork) coming out through Tin Man Games along with the other Windhammer award winners for 2012!

And once again, despite my occasionally vitriolic responses, everyone here did a great job, and I'm proud to have competed against each and every one of you!

Emancipation by Jake Care

Emancipation was a very interesting entry with a lot of experimental elements, which I strongly approve of.

Like the other "false reality" entries this year, I felt like it suffered from not completely making sense until you get to the big reveal at the end. To be fair, I think Emancipation might have been better about this than the others, in that at least you do have a complete vision of the world and your character, it just turns out to be incorrect. In Day of Dissonance, you have some idea of your character, and some idea of the setting, but it still feels very jarring and unexpected to be suddenly escaping from a burning hospital and making wierd decisions that don't seem character relevant (put on a ninja costume? what?) and then there's these bloody footprints, and suddenly you're in a B horror movie. Your head spins. In A Knight's Trial, there is actually no sense at all of who your character is, what the world is like, or what your character motivations are. If someone read this who didn't know the Camelot myths, they would have no idea what was going on at all.

Contrasted with those, Emancipation gives you a very clear setting: You're in hell. And a very clear character goal: Get Out. Both of those are important elements which the other False Reality books failed to deliver. On the other hand, while it at least gives you those elements, I for one did not find that premise especially compelling. Like the other false reality stories, I didn't really enjoy it much until I found the twist at the end.

I also think that Emancipation in particular suffers from being so short. I know Jake Care has a particular fondness for short gamebooks--on his blog, he frequently posts experimental "one page" gamebooks--but in this format, where all the other entrants are taking full advantage of the space allotted, it's a self-limitation to make Emancipation so short, and the story suffers for it. It just doesn't have time to really take off.

One thing I did appreciate about Emancipation was the clever use of the items. This is actually the first time I've seen an item mechanic like this (although there were several others using it in this year's Windhammer lineup) and it impressed the hell out of me. For those who haven't read it yet, the mechanic is basically: use any item at any time by adding the number of the item to your current section number. Flip there to see if it does anything.

What I like about this is that it gives the world a sense of real interactivity. You are free to think and explore and experiment. You have to ask yourself, "can any of these items be used right here right now," and use your own innovation rather than completely relying on the author to spoon-feed you choices. On the flip side, the potential disadvantage is that it could open the doors to spoilers, say if you flip to a page that's not a correct use of the item and happen to see a secret revealed there.

At the end of the day, Emancipation is a clever thought experiment, and has some clever mechanics and a clever twist, but it's just not that much fun. This is true of all of the False Reality stories this year, which really raises a strong question for me: can a "false reality" tale be engaging before the big reveal? If so, what would it take?

I would really like to see this happen.

Evil Eye by S. J. Bell

I have to say something about the Evil Eye, by S. J. Bell. When I was reading through the introductions to all of them to get a feel for what the field looked like, I got toward the end of the intro for Evil Eye, looked up, and realized that my heart was pumping, my breath was shallow, I was clenching my muscles ready to go find and kill those bastard who took your wife.

Wow!

I've almost never read a gamebook that made me feel that much that quickly, that roped me in so completely. I was getting pretty jaded by the time I got to this point in the list, but this story made me forget that I was reading a gamebook--I was in the world.

That said, there were one or two oddities... In the introduction itself, there was one moment where the son is like, "We have to go to the king and tell him to arrest Barrington!" and the main character is like, "No! Think it through. Look son, we have to go to the king and tell him to arrest Barrington."

My head did a spin right then. I think the distinction Bell is trying to create is doing it privately vs. doing it publicly, but that was not at all clear the first time through.

The only other place I think some improvement could be made would be showing the connection between Annalisa and Caldus a little more subtly. Don't get me wrong--Caldus' passion to find his wife IS what roped me into loving this entry. But by the time he reaches her, it's kind of happy sappy fun times. I just have to think that after several decades of marriage... well, their reunion would be more complicated than that. Their happiness is just so "in your face." Sometimes, especially with the most powerful emotions, it's more evocative to hint at them rather than portray it so explicitly. With the kind of feelings they would each have upon finding each other again... words are inadequate. It can't be captured by giving each other a big hug and saying "I love you." Their happiness is very clear, but it might have been shared with the reader more effectively if it were understated somewhat--hinted at rather than put on display.

That said, this is an extremely high-level criticism for an extremely high-level work. This piece is nothing like Dating a Witch, where the dialogue was cringeworthy. In Evil Eye, the dialogue is consistently excellent, the story takes my breath away, the characters are compelling and interesting.

And something else, which I was particularly impressed by, regarding Evil Eye as a gamebook specifically, all of the items were exceptionally well done. You have the assassin's dagger, the Thunderstone, Annalisa's Bracelet and the Serpent Insignia. Each of these items not only is useful for plot purposes, but has color, history, tells you something about the world or about the character it belongs to. Each is significant. The items are like characters in their own right, part of the colorful and intricate tapestry of the world. Beautifully done.

When I had to set this aside to read more introductions, it lingered with me. I was genuinely worried that I might come back to it, go out and pound the streets, and not be able to find my wife. I mean genuinely worried.

Very well done, sir. This earned one of my two votes, along with a permanent place in my personal Gamebook Hall of Fame.

Golem Gauntlet by Simon Christopher Chapman

This was an interesting and fun gamebook. Like many others, I didn't make it all the way through due to the preponderance of blind choices. Well, I should say I didn't make it to the ultimate ending; I did die more than once.

I really like the premise, of being trapped in a golem's body and having to find your way back to your own, through series of other Golem's bodies. Very imaginative and very cool. I thought the writing was generally pretty solid, although the villain was a little bit overly maniacally evil. I prefer a stronger villain with more character motivation beyond just "I'm eeeevil, pass me that bowl of kittens so I can EAT them. Bwahahahaha!" A good villain is one that, though you may not agree with their decisions, you can at least understand and empathize with them.

The only problem with the approach of this gamebook is, well, two things: Time and again you're asked to choose whether to go right or left, up or down, which item to examine... all of these are blind choices, and they drive me nuts. Beyond that, the path seems to be extremely linear: there's one true way, and any other route will swiftly get you killed.

This comes across as frustrating because it feels a bit arbitrary. Like, because I went the wrong direction I got killed by a fomorian giant. Or archers with flaming arrows kill me on 5 chances out of six. What fun is that? I re-iterate Dave Morris' statement, "If the reader ever reaches a death paragraph, that's a failure not just for the reader, but for the author."

On the linear point, I want to mention that I was also disappointed to find that I didn't have any control over when I shifted bodies. One of the things I got kind of excited about, upon finding another golem form, was the prospect of getting to pick whether to switch or stay in the first one. That could be a great tactical element too--have to take the wood form to do this part of the adventure, but then switch back to clay for the fight against the fire monster--or something along those lines. I feel like the gamebook really failed to capitalize on it's own strengths.

All that said, it was still a fun and imaginative adventure. Too hard for my tastes, with altogether too many "Which door" choices, but... well, if this had been a smaller competition, this probably would have stood out as a very fine entry. It's good--it's just that some of the others it's up against are great.

Trial of the Battle God by Andrew Drage

I had mixed reactions to Trial of the Battle God. For my own purposes, I was extremely impressed by the time tracking system and the multiplayer capability. Very cool stuff. But I actually roped together a group of friends and ran through a multiplayer scenario with them, and the reactions ranged from "meh" to outright negative.

The only conclusion I can come to is that, while there's a tremendous number of innovations and some really cool mechanics built into Trial of the Battle Gods, it suffers from the same problems as Swordplayer, which is to say, there are just better gaming platforms than gamebooks out there. Andrew is pushing up against the limits of what gamebooks are capable of doing, and it still just can't compare to what even the most mediocre of digital gaming systems can do without breaking a sweat.

The trouble, I think, is not that Andrew created some very innovative and awesome game mechanics. That's pure cool. The trouble is that the other things which really can make a gamebook shine are lacking: story, choices, characterization and tension. The flavor text is well written, but it's just flavor text. At the end of the day it doesn't matter whether the room is purple or gold or has a river running through it. All that matters is what item there is to grab, if any, and which doors are available to exit out of. You wind up skipping the flavor text because it's irrelevant.

On to the game mechanics... There's a lot of good and bad here. As I said about the good, I think the way movement and timing was handled was excellent. That's so cool and innovative. I think the combat system was... I mean, it was solid, for what it is. But it's still trying to be a full combat system in a gamebook. Basically, that means it's pushing the limits of complexity that a gamebook can support (maybe exceeding those limits, for some players) and yet still cannot reach enough complexity to the point where real depth could be added to the system. The combat still devolves just to rolling dice and comparing stats. The vast majority of the decisions you make are in character creation. After that, during combat, the only real choices you have are whether (and when) to use your True Strike or Parry abilities, and whether to attempt to use Fitness. The True Strike and Parry abilities were very good. Those added the best bit of tactical depth, but it's still just one choice. Fitness was too risky; the penalties for failing were only barely worth the bonus for succeeding. It didn't really feel rewarding to use it and end up getting penalized for having gone out of your way. At the end of the day, the combat still wound up feeling very random. In our multiplayer game, the player who won was actually the person who ended up liking it the least. He didn't feel like any choice he'd made had earned him the victory; he'd just gotten lucky with finding this or that item, and then gotten lucky with dice rolls. And it was true. He was playing a dwarf, and he'd already killed both the orc and the human by the time he encountered my elf. We both had great equipment, but he was badly injured. I thought the fight would go my way for sure, but the dice had other ideas. And it didn't take much bad luck. The system is random and lethal enough that one roll either way can make the difference.

There was also both good and bad in the layout of the dungeon. The ability to move around the dungeon added a certain tactical depth, which was good. You could choose sometimes to go explore in a given direction, or maybe to hold back and hope to ambush someone. The problem I had was that it added a random element to what each character finds along the way. So in a multiplayer game, a showdown doesn't come down to who has done better for themselves so much as who chanced to come across better items. Or, in the specific case of this story, who reached the end first, because for some reason the best weapon is just sitting there at the end of the dungeon available for whoever gets there. I wasn't quite sure why whoever reaches the end first should be given this big combat advantage against the next player to come around, but there it is.

At the end of the day, I think the most awesome thing Andrew created with Trial of the Battle God was some innovative new techniques for handling gamebook flow and multiplayer interactions within gamebooks. It's valuable, not so much as a story in it's own right, but as a proof of concept, demonstrating that these techniques exist and that they work. I look forward to seeing other authors (or Brewin' himself!) use these techniques in a more fully fleshed out world and story, with characters and dramatic tension to add the missing 'other half' to this gamebook experience. In fact, I might just borrow some of his techniques myself for a future gamebook I happen to be working on. You know what they say, 'imitation is the truest form of flattery.'

Below, I have included my raw notes from the playthrough with friends... This is unedited, and may be of dubious value, but may also be at least somewhat useful:

Notes on Trial of the Battle God


* Unarmed stats are in a little bit of a non-intuitive place...
* Rules on number of hands and equipping weapons/shields? Can you use a quarterstaff + shield?
* There is one clearly superior weapon, and the differences in prices isn't enough to make it worth taking the hit to both offence and damage from taking any other weapon.
* Healing salve is hands down better than the Healing Potion. (More granularity is good. You might want to make the healing potion get a discount, basically for forcing you to use it all at once. Like, make it 5 instead of 6.)

* Clarify whether Skills can be purchased multiple times for increased effect.

* Mangroves aren't very lush, they're sharp. maybe tangly
* Scaly beast is a bit cliche

* Lucky charm in section 1 is completely irrelevant unless you've played it before.
* Section 60: the notation 4D is confusing. Say 4d6

* Can you have multiple armor and weapons? If you have multiples, which one are you using?

* Make sure to give the directive to go back to the section you came from. (20, there, turn to 4 if it's battle phase 2, making the assumption that you need to go back to 20.)
also, IMPORTANT, note whether to increment the battle phase again when you go back to the section you came from.

* Can you use potions in combat?
* Section 43, I don't know which way I came from !

* Fitness - too risky to be worth using. Either increase the potential benefit, or decrease the potential loss.


Most decisions are made in character creation.

No puzzles in the dungeon.

You stumble around blindly.
When you do fight another player, combat itself is mostly random, beyond the decisions made in character creation.
--Choices for players in combat


Like: A strategic element arose in movement between rooms, in that you could possibly try to run into someone by staying in a given room, or attempt to withhold to avoid them.

Hope that helps! --Ashton

Swordplayer by Nicholas Stillman

I'm sorry to say that Swordplayer didn't really do it for me. I could see it really appealing to a certain type of player, but that type of player is not me. It's a dungeon crawl, basically, and... I'm tempted to say that dungeon crawls are just not for me, but the truth is more just that I'm exceptionally picky about what I like in dungeon crawls.

It's not that I don't like combat, or that I don't like dungeon crawls, or that I don't like stats and numbers. I do. I can spend hours poring over game numbers. I make spreadsheets. I spent longer designing my party and my character progression for NWN2: Storm of Zehir than I actually spent playing the game!

But gamebooks are not the best platform for that. Let's just be honest: you don't have the assistance of a computerized system. The player has to read and comprehend and remember the ENTIRE ruleset. You're limited by keeping numbers small and dice used comprehensible, and in this day and age, no one wants to sit around calculating all their own results, not when we have computers so readily available.

So gamebooks have to bring something new to the table. It's good if a gamebook can provide a good game. It's very good. But there's simply limits to what can be achieved. With any game, it's important to understand the core gameplay in order to maximize player enjoyment. With a first person shooter, the core gameplay is shooting dudes in the face. Or maybe sometimes blowing them up. That's basically it, you jump around, you shoot and you don't get shot. It's straightforward--but if you start imposing other factors... say a fancy graphic for displaying whatever your character is holding, but that fancy graphic slows frame rate on some computers to delay the all-important shooting and dodging reaction time--that's going to diminish player enjoyment of the game, because it diminishes the players ability to engage in the core mechanic.

My point is this: The core mechanic of gamebooks is not hack and slash. No system of dice rolling for combat, no matter how good, is going to make hack and slash become the core mechanic of gamebooks.

The core mechanic of gamebooks is making choices that affect the outcome of a story. For this to work, you need two things: 1) A story. 2) Choices.

Like the holy grail of the first person shooter core mechanic--i.e. shooting dudes in the face--you don't want to do anything in a gamebook that interferes with that core mechanic of what a gamebook is and what players enjoy about it.

Swordplayer does have a story. It's a somewhat cheesy, overblown tale of a swordsman who wants to prove himself to be the best, and is willing to put himself in grave danger to do so--because he thinks he can. You have a character motivation, you have passion, you have high stakes. It's not "realistic" exactly, and it's certainly cliche, but it does present many of the aspects of a good story.

Sadly, it all seems to be just a device to get the protagonist into the dungeon. And once you're in the dungeon, the game devolves to a bunch of Which Door choices (not really choices) and a bunch of fights. The fights are innovative, certainly--I've already addressed under "Ravages of Fate" the potential that I think can be brought to the table when multiple sections are devoted to one fight. The problem is that the dynamism is overly simplistic. You're given one choice: Attack or Defend. If you choose the wrong one, your stats don't matter at all--you either both lose fitness or both don't take damage. But there's absolutely no clue or hint as to which is the correct choice and which isn't. It's effectively a a "Which Door" choice all over again. You might as well be rolling dice.

I eventually quit playing because of this mechanic. When what I do as a player doesn't have the slightest effect on the outcome of the game, there's no incentive for me to keep playing. In all the (admittedly short) time I spent playing this game, I don't think I encountered a single real choice. It was just "which direction do you go" (which admittedly is slightly more acceptable in an explicit dungeon crawl than under other circumstances, but still not ideal) and "do you attack or dodge." To which my answer, after seeing what attacking and dodge meant, was simply, "no."

The author clearly put a lot of thought into this, and it shows. There's a lot of potential in the mechanics. The writing is good, when it has a chance to show itself, and it's probably an excellent dungeon crawl. I just have very little patience these days for choices that aren't choices. If the combat system were revised to give the player actual choices, I would try again.

Aether by Paul Struth

Aether was hard for me to get into on the first pass, and I think it is because (like MANY of this year's gamebooks) I did not feel that I had an adequate sense of the setting before the story began. Okay, I was able to figure out that there's apparently these aetherial arts--but where are we? WHEN are we? Is this mideval, modern, some other world altogether?

Once I forced myself to swallow and keep reading, it actually turned into a very cool story. Eventually it became clear that it was set in the modern era. I was quite pleased by the twist that Morton Prentice is not some mysterious magical assassin, but just a clumsy kid playing with forces he doesn't understand, and in fact, you wouldn't have gotten killed if you hadn't gotten involved and gotten in the way, and you wouldn't have gotten involved at all if it weren't for the prophecy that he was going to kill you! Very nice self-fulfilling prophecy there :)

I think what I really appreciate about Aether is that at the end of the day, it's a story. It may not be completely realized (I'm looking at you, early setting descriptors) but it has characters, it has a plot. It has twists and surprises, and it's good. I like the ghost of the old witch, I like the effect of that creepy ass book. The ending, though sad for certain characters, even in the best ending, was satisfying; it felt as it should be.

One criticism I do have has to do with the logical flow. The game made heavy use of returning to certain numbered sections as central hub points, from which you could pursue a number of alternatives. While one can safely assume you shouldn't return to sections you've been to before, that was never explicitly stated, and it was totally viable--as far as the text itself guided you--to break logical continuity. In fact, in order to pursue one option and get one bit of information important for reaching the successful ending, you had to make some choices that came very close to backtracking. I'm looking at getting to Mr. Candlish after you have information from Morton's house. By then the game is urging you to move onward; in order to get back to Mr. Candlish, you have to go back to a prior hub point and select "Look for Morton Prentice" which doesn't make any sense because you've already found MP. You were in his house!

The continuity of those hub chapters could use some work, and the story badly needs one or two additional paragraphs inserted toward the beginning to "set" the setting. Other than that, it was a very well put together gamebook with strong characters and a strong story. I was pleased.

A Knight's Trial by Kieran Coghlan

I've seen Kieran Coghlan's work in each of the prior Windhammer competitions, and always been impressed by it. He has a stronger sense of character than most gamebook authors, and his works are more concerned with the internal workings of the human spirit than most.

Which is why I was so disappointed that A Knight's Trial opens with a sword blow to the neck. A combat decision, first thing? Really Kieran? Before you swing a sword at my character's neck, give me a reason to care whether he gets chopped. At this point in the story, I'd just as soon see him get beheaded and move on to the next character/story/gamebook.

To be fair, by the end, it absolutely does live up to my expectations, but I definitely found, from my own perspective at least, that it jumped far too quickly into the action, without setting up the characters and giving you a reason to care. Who are you? What's your background? Why is Lancelot your mentor? Why do you want to become a Knight? What significance does it have to you whether you win this trial or not? Basically: why should I care?

Without that fundamental question answered, I had to force myself to keep reading. It didn't catch my interest on its own merits until the hints started coming in that all might not be as it seemed--but that was a little way in. It would do well to hook the reader before that.

While I was, to a certain extent, happy with the reveal at the end, I still did not feel like any of the core questions had been answered. Who is this character? Who is, or was, his "tormentor?" What happened to put him in this state? Why does he care so much about King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table that this world is the most appropriate metaphor for the character's trial?

These are the important questions. These are the interesting questions. This story has an incredible amount of potential. It's even standard for the old romance genre to be heavily laden with allegory. We could have seen a deep and interesting character traveling through a mindscape that looks like Camelot, with every person, every encounter, every villain or threat, explicitly allegorical, the entire thing a metaphor for this character's recovery. Instead, we have a fairly bland dungeon crawl with a "twist" at the end, like a stage magician ripping away the cloth at the end of his show and shouting, "ta-daaaa," without really explaining anything.

Often, important backstory questions can be left unanswered when they don't matter. But in this case, the questions about this character absolutely do matter. The answers, i.e. what happened to him, who he is, what his trauma is... those are the things which would make this story powerful.

At the end of the day, it's a brilliant concept, but I just have the feeling like the story ended up missing it's own point. It's not about making arbitrary decisions in a metaphorical dungeon (no, not even if you break the fourth wall to point out that they are arbitrary). It's about making metaphorical decisions of deep psychological significance to break out of a self-imposed prison of the mind.

I know Kieran's writing, and I know he has the potential to pull this off. He's done it before. I can only assume that the story just needed one more revision cycle to find it's center. If A Knight's Trial was done to the full potential, both of the premise and of the author, I think it could be one of his best. As it stands... it's just not there yet.

Call of Khalris by Stuart Lloyd (feedback)

Call of Khalris is an entry that received a lot of mixed reviews this year, but I really liked it. My perceptions were colored by the fact that Stuart himself told me before I read it that he felt it was a little bit uninspired. But in my opinion, the only way this story is uninspired is just that it's a fairly "typical" sort of premise. It can still be done well, and it is.

In this story (if you haven't read it yet) you're journeying deep into the desert to the abandoned city of Khalris, in search of treasure and glory. Or just because you feel the "call." I really liked that "call" from a descriptive point of view; it gives the sense that though this place is clearly dangerous, a mythos has built up around it in the minds of the people that consistently lures adventurers there. It's partly due to the promise of treasure and glory, and partly due to the danger, just because it's a nut that's remained uncracked for so long, but a mystique has grown up around this lost city that keeps drawing people to it. The Call of Khalris.

Not necessarily original, perhaps, but unique in it's interpretation of the old tropes, and has a certain appealing flair.

All things considered, this was a very solid gamebook that hearkened back to the earlier days of gamebooks, when you kicked in doors, killed monsters and looted the room, and nobody through twice about it. It's well constructed, polished, with good writing and good challenges.

I think there are things I excuse here because of the setting and premise that I wouldn't excuse otherwise. For example, I typically rail at what I call "Which Door" choices (or, as I'm starting to call them, just "blind choices" because the other term is a bit cumbersome). Stuart clearly gives a blind choice in forcing you to decide which quadrant of the city to explore. But this is one of those rare special cases where I think it's OK.

The reason for that is that we already have basics established: we have a setting, the city of Khalris, we have a character and motivation, to answer the "call," and to find glory and treasure. You already have done some basic scouting of the city to see what you can find. It makes perfect sense to me that at that point, you've taken all due diligence, and the next step is just that you have to decide which tomb to break into, and there's really no clues what's going to be in there or which is the "right" choice, if any.

Sometimes you have to make a choice without knowing what the consequences are. That's part of life, and that's perfectly fine for it to appear in gamebooks--when it's appropriate. This is a time when it's appropriate.

For contrast, see the frequent choices which way to go or which item to explore given in Day of Dissonance (sorry David!). A great example is when you come out that door and you have to choose whether to go right, toward the boy's room, or left, following the bloody footprints.

This is an interesting example, because you do have some information, but it still feels to me like a "Which Door" or "blind" choice--and the reason is that you don't know what you're looking for. You don't have a goal.

I assumed at that point in Day of Dissonance that my goal was to get out of the burning hospital. But not only does the character seem to quickly forget that this is his motivation, instead being inspired to poke his nose (and occasionally hands) into all sorts of grisly corners, but the very presence of the hospital as a burning threat quickly vanishes. Was it on fire at all? Do we actually need to escape? No indication that that's still the case after the first few paragraphs.

Anyway, while you do have the choice to go toward or away from the bloody footprints at that crossroads in Day of Dissonance, the decisions is almost wholly meaningless because neither path gives you any clue as to what will help you achieve your goals.

On the other hand, while in Stuart's choice in Call of Khalris, which tomb to explore, none of them give you any information over the others, but it doesn't feel like a disappointment, because I know what the character's goal is and I know that to achieve that goal, there's a certain amount of risk and uncertainty, and it's time to cast my die, take my chances, and see what I find.

There was also one moment in Call of Khalris that I found extremely effective, and that was when the character's hand start growing scales. I had been filling out the journal as I went along (as you saw yesterday, if you've been following) so I was feeling very in character and looking at the world through my character's eyes. When I started growing scales on my hand... for some reason that was so undermining to my basic sense of self--even though I was in no overt, immediate danger, that was a true moment of "horror" for me. That moment, and the moment toward the end of the Introduction to S. J. Bells' Evil Eye, when I'm ready to leap out of my chair to go find and punch in the face whoever stole my wife, were the two most personally powerful moments of this Windhammer competition, for my two cents. These were both times when I forgot I was reading a story, and instead I was really there. Kudos to you guys.

I did find that the ending was a little bit challenging and confusing. I was delighted by the re-appearance of the camel. So fucking creepy when you see that fucking camel there all of a sudden OMG just chewing it's cud as if everything is normal! But everything is not normal! Everything is not fine! Don't approach the camel for the love of god DON'T APPROACH IT! *shudder*

But later on there's random directional choices you have to make, and suddenly all these zombies for some reason. I don't know... I think the actual ending could have maybe been done better. I lost track of what I was doing and why, and this is the only time in the gamebook that I found some blind choices (in an annoying way) coming up.

At the end of the day I think this was a very solid gamebook. It was a fairly trope premise, but executed with a lot of craftsmanship and generally well done. Furthermore, though there were only hints of horror, those hints of horror were actually more effective to me than the blatant "in your face" horror of any of the overtly "horror genre" pieces, largely because it was subtle and understated. That just made it very effective. All that said, in a crowd as dynamic and vibrant as this year's, it didn't quite stand out as "a cut above." Instead, it was one of a number of excellent gamebooks.

Call of Khalris by Stuart Lloyd (Journals)

Instead of a normal review, for Call of Khalris I have something rather special planned ;) Please enjoy below the journal entries chronicling my journey into the Lost City of Khalris. (Tomorrow I'll post my actual feedback for Stuart's Call of Khalris)

Being an account of the travels of the esteemed scholar and adventurer Madrigal Venible. Found upon a tattered parchment by a later adventurer into the Lost City of Khalris, these chronicles contain valuable insight for any future comer who would dare the trials of Khalris for themselves.


Journal Entry #1
I do not know what will happen on this adventure. If I did, I would not be so uncertain, and excited. Or perhaps it is the high desert moon that makes my heart beat thus. I dream of fame, of glory... above all, of finding knowledge, the lost knowledge of the ancients of Khalris. I do not fear death... no, I fear only that which would make me lose myself. As long as I risk only death, I do not mind the risk. The call of Khalris is worth it.


Journal Entry #2
I have been at Khalris for a week, and the fates themselves seem to conspire against me. My camel vanished. I can find no sign of it, not even tracks in the sand. Without transportation back to Quis, I fear I may die in this place. But I am at peace, for I am pursuing a noble and worthy work.
The surface of this city is dead and lifeless. The tribal nomads I met on the way here say that none come to this city, but I know they lie, because all areas of the city that are easily accessible have been picked clean. I have drawn a map and marked the buildings I would like to explore further.
One thing more is certain: the dark magics of this place have not been entirely invented. The dead here do not sleep deeply. I delved into a tomb earlier today and was able to pry open a golden chest with my crowbar. A warhammer of excellent craftsmanship, carved with mystic runes, was found inside. But its former master resented my theft--the dead body itself rose from the grave.
Even the dead cannot stand against my skill. The enchanted warhammer put the half-alive creature out of its misery. Yet something of the encounter has left a chill upon my skin. I must sleep, there is more exploration to be done on the morrow. But as I close my eyes, I find myself strangely uneasy about what other horrors I may find in the deeps beneath this place.


Journal Entry #3
I lie here shivering as I write this. My wounds ache, and no matter how I bandage them, they do not seem to wish to stop bleeding. I truly do not know how I can survive to return to Qis now, as my camel has still not made its appearance. I hope only that some future explorer can find these meager writings and learn from them.
I explored the north tower~~
Please excuse the scribble. A fit of coughing interrupted my pen for a moment.
There was a beast there, a half-man, half-ape, with skin and hair white like bones. I fought it valiantly, but it had the strength of ten men. Though I defeated it with a solid blow to the skull from my warhammer, I fear the injuries it gave me may yet tell.
Once again, the evil magicks of this place haunt me. For once I had destroyed the beast, it simply vanished, leaving neither hide nor hair. Sadly, the wounds it left upon my body were more material.
I grabbed but a single piece of treasure from the tower to show for my adventures: an eight-pointed star of gold. It seems designed to be worn about the neck. Once again, the dead stirred once I touched their precious goods, but this time I was prepared, and fled before they could reach me.
We shall see what tomorrow brings. This city may defeat me, but I shall not surrender. I will rip every bit of knowledge that I can from the bones of Khalris before giving her my own.
As I shiver against the desert night, I find myself wishing I had brought more first aid kits.


Journal Entry #4
Hah! Life still clings to my body, despite the best efforts of this place. I found the remains of another explorer today. This time, I opened the sarcophogus in the tomb of the east tower before reaching for the good there, thinking perhaps I could destroy the mummy first, then plunder at my leisure. But inside was a young man, his face frozen in terror.
I know not what possessed him to leap into a sarcophogus with an ancient mummy, close the lid above him, and die of fright. And I suspect I would rather not know.
After I helped myself to his posessions, strange shadow beasts rose from all around. If they were what did for the young man, they did not have the same effect on me. I attempted to beat them off with a torch, but they simply enveloped it within their own shadows and extinguished it.
Fleet feet saved me today. Sometimes, in this place, the wisest thing to do is simply to run.
I live on to explore another day. I may be getting the hang of this place.


Journal Entry #5
It is with a heavy heart that I must admit defeat. I reviewed my food supplies today and determined that, if I leave now, I have just enough to get back to civilization.
I may be willing to risk death for this cause, but it is not worth consigning myself to certain death simply for the opportunity to explore the true secrets of Khalris. My wounds have healed enough that I can travel, and logic forces me to admit that I must depart, even if my heart yearns to stay.
My explorations since last entry have revealed little new. Yet I suspect that there is some great mystery to this place that I have not yet discerned.
Perhaps I shall come back again someday, this time armed with the knowledge of experience.
Until then, Khalris. This is not over, only sleeping.







Journal Entry #6
Three long years have passed since I last explored the dead city of Khalris, but its call still haunts my dreams. I toss and turn, wondering what I missed, what great truths remain yet unexplored.
And so it is that I have pooled my earnings from the last three years and prepare to venture to that great city once more. This time, I have the benefit both of my prior experiences, and of the loot I saved from before.
I was forced to sell back all the good I had bought in Qis, to get enough to get started on. However, I was able to keep everything I found in Khalris before. I could have sold some of those items for great riches, but it is not worth it to me--not until I know the secret of Khalris. Not until I answer the call.
Khalris, I hear you. I am coming.

[OOC: Started over again, just like starting new, but keeping the same background and with all the codewords and loot from last time still on my character sheet. Not my original purchased equipment, though. I ditched anything I had originally bought, and am taking another 50 sp to buy new equipment. Only things I actually found in Khalris am I keeping for this time around. Oh--replenishing Hero Points, too.]


Journal Entry #7
The secrets of this place begin to unlock to me.
So far, the journey has treated me well. By chance, I happened to run into the same tribal nomads on the way here who I encountered last time. It seemed to me a blessing. They were surprised to see me alive, and even more surprised to learn I was headed back into this place.
Vipers and walking dead continue to be a problem. And to make matters worse, my camel has already vanished again. Blast it all! This city must have a curse against camels.
This time I was able to spend less time mapping the city; only long enough to confirm that my old maps were still correct. I began my explorations today. The tombs of this city are truly filled with treasure, but one must be swift and careful to retrieve it without arousing the ire of the dead.
This time, with only time enough to grab one item, I made sure to grab an old scroll I found, marked with the same 8 pointed star on the amulet I found three years ago.
Perusal of the scroll has revealed that the entire layout of the city is built along the lines of an eight pointed star. This symbol clearly had mystic significance to the people who once lived here.
Perhaps there is something special to be found at the center...


Journal #8
I met a brave man today. He had been an explorer, like me. He picked up an armband studded with green emeralds, believing it woudl give him power, but instead it cursed him, and he was slowly turning to stone.
He told me of a Grand Temple, where he believed he might find a cure--this confirmed my suspicions that something of importance is at the heart of the city--yet when we joined forces to continue exploring the city, he fell prey to a terrible trap in the southern tower.
I am loathe to return there, for it was there he met his fate, yet he believed that something of purpose may be found in that tower, so I fear I must.
Rest well, brave Garrod.


Journal #9
The southern tower was as perilous as I feared, yet I have survived, and I return with a great treasure indeed. A book of ancient lore, as old as the city. Here, if anywhere, I hope to find the answers I seek.
I shall study it on the morrow. For now, I must rest, and my bandages need changing. I am grateful that this time I learned the lesson to bring plenty of first aid supplies. I thought I had brought more than enough, yet this one deep injury may demand nearly all of them.
My skin on the left arm seems afflicted with the same curse that affected Garrod. Does the city claim me, now that it has lost him?


Journal #10
I explored the last tower today. Snakes. Why does it always have to be snakes?
I am exhausted, so this entry will be brief. Let it suffice to say that I survived, and I came away with a gold headdress decorated with a jade snake upon the crown. It seemed the most likely to have mystic significance of the items that I saw, and yet, I am pragmatic enough to consider that it will have excellent market value once all is said and done.
For now, sleep. Tomorrow... the Great Temple. My food supplies are dwindling. It's now or never.
If you do not see another entry in this journal, know that the temple itself proved too much for me. May you learn from my mistakes.


Journal #11
I have entered the great temple. It is painful to write, my hand does not work as it should. The scales grow across my whole body now.
No! It must not end like this. All I wanted was a peaceful death. Not to be... changed.
It's happening so swiftly now... It was the book. The book cursed me. Don't touch the book!
Agh! It hurts... the transformation will soon be complete. I will be just one more snake in the temple.
When you kill me, oh ye who finds this, remember that I was once a man.
Please, kill me swiftly.
The scales...

Truly these tales tell of a terrible fate. Let all who would journey into Khalris beware...